James 1: 19-20-" My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, 20 because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires."
NCLEX Student Status: Fail. The words hit me like an uppercut from Kimbo Slice. My heart drops into my stomach and leaves a crater where my guts used to be. Fail? No way- I've worked too hard to fail-This can't be right. But on the screen, just as defiant as it wants to be, that 4-letter F word- FAIL. WAIT- NO! ALL THOSE QUESTIONS! ALL THAT TIME! FOR THIS? Slowly, the feeling that I know all too well begins to flood my senses: Anger. My heart sprints, and my palms are sweaty. NO, PLEASE, it was supposed to be different this time- I was supposed to PASS!
NCLEX Student Status: Fail. The words hit me like an uppercut from Kimbo Slice. My heart drops into my stomach and leaves a crater where my guts used to be. Fail? No way- I've worked too hard to fail-This can't be right. But on the screen, just as defiant as it wants to be, that 4-letter F word- FAIL. WAIT- NO! ALL THOSE QUESTIONS! ALL THAT TIME! FOR THIS? Slowly, the feeling that I know all too well begins to flood my senses: Anger. My heart sprints, and my palms are sweaty. NO, PLEASE, it was supposed to be different this time- I was supposed to PASS!
I think at some level, everybody deals with anger. But when it comes to guys in general, it seems that we can just blow up at the drop of a hat. Or maybe this is just me. I have had a long love/hate relationship with my friend/nemesis Anger-I hate what I do when he is around, but I have caught myself loving how it makes me feel and especially how people react when I am angry.
Take the scenario from the paragraph above- I just found out yesterday that I didn't pass my boards for Nursing. I am devastated to say the least. I've have been working so hard to do the best that I could, and I failed. Now, instead of looking to the next thing that I had to do yesterday, I decided to stew. My wife (who is an awesome Godly woman) asked me the most important question I had thought about all day-"Michael, have You talked to God about it?"
In my heart of hearts, I KNEW that prayer was the best thing for me to do, but some part of me just wanted to be upset.mad. Angry. And the truth of the matter is not that I didn't want to talk to God because I was upset at failing my boards, I was upset because my proud and selfish heart was wounded, and I didn't want to bring that to my Dad. I was more worried about how everyone would look at me for failing my boards, and how I was going to save face, instead of being worried about how God can change my heart so the next time I feel let down or disappointed, I don't point a finger to the sky saying, "What? Did you forget about me?!"
"Because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires."
Dag, Dad. I need You. Because this ebb and flow anger is going to be the end of me. Please change my heart- or could you just give me a fresh new heart that is slow to anger, and has deep desires to please You? I don't know what this setback means right now, but Lord, could you show me? Lead me? Forgive me for being so angry.
Mike-
ReplyDeleteFirst, I'm sorry about the news... definitely not what we hoped for, but God has a tendency of teaching us things in the way we least expect it.
Second, I just wanted to thank you. This is exactly what I had in mind for the blog and I'm glad you were vulnerable, invited us into your life, and taught us how God is teaching you. You are my brother and fail or no fail I know Dad is proud of you. Not proud because you are so especially awesome, but because He sees you, and He sees me, through Jesus' righteousness and not our own.
I definitely struggle with anger, but I think most of my anger is towards myself - not living up to some sort of righteous standard I have created for myself. Through the Holy Spirit I have learned that most of that kind of anger stems from a lie that I seem to believe far too often. The lie that if I'm good enough, I can make God happy. The lie that if I act a certain way, God will love me more. The lie that claims it's not works-righteousness, but is.
The truth, is that God loves me to the utmost right now. Nothing I do wrong will lesson that love, and nothing I do right will increase it. God's love for me is not based on what I do, but what Jesus has done... and because of that, anger can get behind me. Even if Duke gets smoked by UNC.